It really sucks always reading far too deeply into things. Is this a girl thing? A writer thing? A human thing? Whatever it is, I’d gladly give it up to not see things that may not be there. If I was seeing useful shit like the future or ghosts or thought balloons over people’s heads, I’d be fine. Instead, I see conversation changes or implications that may not be there. I see karmic retribution. I see inevitability.

In my dreadful speech class we learned about the Consistency theory. Basically it states “I think people I hate also hate me” or “people i like also like me.” However, in my experience in the real world, it has been quite the opposite. People I find attractive do not find me attractive. People I want to date do not want to date me. So if I think things go really well, it’s easy to assume I stand alone in that assumption. I’m always the friend. Always the lover. But never do those two worlds meet. I haven’t lost hope. I’m just tired of being drawn to people that aren’t drawn to me.

Basically, I just wish I didn’t have the unceasing need to read beyond the text message to know what he’s really trying to say. Dating is hard. Life is hard. Fairytales set up children for such disappointment.

It’s that heart stutter as butterflies flutter that reminds you that you’re alive. It’s the tangible tension and wantings unmentioned that sparks a special kind of desire. When you want to breach the barrier and reach across the table to grab hold and never let go. It’s the memories of messages coursing through your veins, words whispered that leave stains on your soul. It’s rereading, replaying, remembering and dreaming while wondering and wishing that you’re not diving alone. It’s the breathlessness upon a subtle graze and suddenly your skin is on fire yearning and burning for more.

It’s a connection, a knowing - a risk worth taking when you throw caution to the wind and jump hoping that someone will be jumping in with you.

With a glimmer of hope, rather than feeling fulfilled, I feel depleted.  I feel that final strand pulled taught, ready to unravel at any moment.  Hope is in the air, yet my heart is a black hole of despair - hopeless, used, unloved.  It was bite-size bliss wrapped in a cellophane kiss, my mind screaming questions unasked as I found myself lost in your smile.  It’s so easy to confuse passion with attraction, laughter with desire, a smile with security.  So let me drown today in the mistakes I’ve made and dream of day I’ll feel I’m home.

There are days, moments in time, when I am robbed of every gasping breath because of how potently I miss you.  These are the days when I lock my phone away so I cannot suck you into my madness again because it isn’t fair to you.  It isn’t right to play with your heart as though it were a toy, because as much as I feel I need you in this moment, I cannot promise you the moment after that.  I’d rather suffer through this alone than know I caused you anymore pain.  You’ve suffered enough at my hands already.

I can’t stop the wheels from turning, my heart from yearning, my veins from burning because at every pause in the commotion, I’m reminded of your face.  There’s a sudden silence and I hear your voice whispering from memories I’m trying to bury, but even six feet under you’re gripping ravenously at my heart.  What I wouldn’t give to forget the day we met… my heart still skipping from the stutter you caused when your presence shook my foundation askew.  I fear I’ll always long for you until I crash our ship into pieces on the shore. 

I have this burning desire nuzzled against my heart, screaming desperately to crawl within your arms. Just to lie there for a staggered breath or two and pretend and dream that I belong somewhere.  I feel like a dozen detached flower petals floating helplessly downstream with the frigid memory that the last petal plucked was a tear stained loves-me-not.  I’m losing my grip on the water’s surface as pieces of myself drift further and further away.  Hold me tightly so I don’t fall apart; keep me together with lies and empty promises that will fade with a meaningless kiss goodbye.

I feel like a broken record with my hopes and dreams and wants and wishes which all revolve around you. I feel I’ve said again and again that I long for you, yearn for you, pine for your touch. Your lips flutter deliciously across my mind and I die inside knowing I’ll never taste the nectar of your kiss. Remissed, I dream, scheming of things to say or do to win your heart. Instead I fall apart slowly, seams unraveling every day and I’m wasting away waiting for the day when you’ll finally see me.

All I think of
every thought
is falling into you
crashing into you
I need to feel your arms around me
become enveloped within the folds of your warmth
inhale you scent
your essence
until I melt into you
become one with you
gasping breathlessly
together

And yet I still melt in your presence and dissolve in your absence.  My mind is consumed by you, dreams filled with you as I chase, ever chasing you through dreamscapes.  It’s unnerving to be so thoroughly permeated by your essence. I catch whiffs of your scent though you’ve yet to press your skin against me.  I feel reality slipping away as I slide deeper down the rabbit hole.  Consciousness fading, love evading my heart and I’m torn apart by desire and common sense.

Darling, I am enraptured by you, desperate to be ravaged by you, but to simply hand my heart over would be enough to find equilibrium again.