Wandering Chaotic Irrelevancies

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The Katy Effect is finally finished and for sale! Buy your copy now!

My long time followers are more likely to remember this than some of the newer ones.

Thinking too much about…

Can’t seem to see straight
voices muffled
mind tripping over tangents
fantasies
daydreams
delirium
delusions
caught up in thoughts
when I glance at your hands
those strong fingers
and how they’d feel
buried
flicking
rubbing
digging
and I can’t stop the thoughts
it’s constant
you and me
us….

and you simply mention your tongue
and I’m gone
I feel blood rushing
pulsations
quiver
shiver
and the river is flowing
blushing fervently
as I sit there
the cacophony of laughter and talking
as everyone else has moved on
but all I can think about is….

I’m burning
and you don’t see it
this fire beneath my skin
as you caress your chin
and the images that run through my head
just a taste
evening escapade
to sit on your face
let you take me away
forget about everything
when you and I are….

You drink her like water
       unable to taste the poison
   drunk off promises
          and venomous love
     she’s death
                 necrotizing fasciitis
        eating you slowly
breaking you down
   I see you wasting away
          fading away
        becoming a shadow
  nothing more than faded wisps
     something that no longer resembles a man
but a corpse turning to dust
   something even the wind won’t touch

What is love?

I think the definition of love varies dramatically from situation to situation. My love for chicken enchiladas is very different from my love for a person. Additionally, my love for each person is also very different. Love for my daughter is unconditional. She is my heartbeat. She is my smile. Romantic love… I don’t know if I’ve figured that one out yet. Romantically, love has always been painful. A longing, yearning, burning, unquenchable kind of feeling. Wanting to take the person into your being so you never have to be without them. It’s been a consumption, filling every thought and losing yourself within them. Love… I don’t think it should hurt. I don’t think it should be so consuming. Perhaps I’ve never felt it. Perhaps I’ve felt too much.

I wish I could tell you
I love you
I need you
I’m a fool for
everything
I wish I could pull your body
against mine
feel your weight
your heat
your pressure
against me
I wish I could kiss you
taste the sweetness of your lips
again
I wish I could touch you
caress your skin
inhale your scent
sit in your presence
I wish we weren’t separated
by distance
by time
by plagued minds and restless hearts

I wish I could go back
and relive those moments
savor every lively beat of my heart
remember what it feels like to be happy
remember what it feels like to be home

People here use to care where I was and what was going on. So, quick update:

I’m in nursing school. If you don’t know anything about nursing school, it’s basically learning everything about the human being and how to care for them in four semesters. As you can imagine, I’ve stupid busy… it’s ridiculous. When I’m not in class, I’m doing homework. When I’m not doing homework, I’m with my kiddo. On the rare occasion where there is no homework or kiddo in my presence, I’m vegging to the max or running to try and act like I’m taking care of myself. Therefore, no inspiration, no time to feel, and no words to write. Having said that, I did write last night and it felt GOOD to create again. This semester is almost over. I really only have two more difficult days. I hope to write again this summer. The only drawback is tapping into that emotional well is a dangerous thing for me. I go to dark places and I can’t afford a depression… ever again. It’s a tough decision. I don’t know….

In other news (!), The Katy Effect will be published in the next couple weeks. Some of you know about this: it’s that NaNoWriMo book I wrote… wow, three years ago now? I just want it in print. I’m not going to shove it down your throats. You’ll see one post when it’s done. I hope you’ll buy it, just to read it. I’m going to make it as cheap as possible, as in not much over the cost of publishing.

I think that’s all. Back to homework. Hope you all are well.

We were here once. We were here in this world we created. A world of love, hope, and unity. A world where change was possible.

But we left Wonderland behind and its magic is gone. All wonder, lost. We, wandering beyond, lost just the same.

A storm is brewing
just beneath the surface
a whirlwind of words
unable to escape
trapped in a dome
of jargon and symmetry

The snow globe is quivering
trembling
shivering
holding the frostbite within

If it shatters
I crumble
if it cracks
I break
and to take
but a second to feel
to face the storm
to loosen the seal
would mean facing the darkness
the cold
the nothingness

to stand in the emptiness I made

I’ve slowly realized that the ones I wanted aren’t all that my imagination has made them out to be. It’s much colder being alone without the fires of fantasy burning. So much darker without the light of hope flickering in the night.

The day pushed heavily upon my shoulders. Disappointment. Frustration. Exhaustion. Worry. When all was said and done, my car door shut against the wind and the day that bit just as deeply, all I wanted to do was talk to you. This hasn’t happened in such a long time that I can’t remember the last person I called just for a much needed smile. I needed you and I haven’t needed someone in awhile. And that terrifies me.