The day is cold and so am I it’s been years since I’ve felt the warmth of my own heart’s beat and longer still since I’ve felt the rhythm of a lover’s against my chest a walking drone I traverse daily life pretending I feel anything at all but I’m just a hollow shell hallowed yet unsaved because I can’t see the light to relieve this nothingness
There’s no hope within these barren walls that thud dully with the life happening outside them I’ve locked myself in this room before kicking the doorknob loose trapping me inside with no escape in sight I can hear their laughter their joyous chatter while I lie on the floor halfheartedly pounding for rescue someone hear me someone save me but in actuality I must enjoy this constant suffering because every time I escape I find a smaller room to barricade myself in again lugging around this sack of doorknobs that’s grown heavier than my weary heart
If you never talk to me again I’ll endure the pain of losing you for you were the brightest light in my onyx night never had I felt more natural joy than in your presence and I’ll suffer this bitter trek through the darkness that consumes my heart because you were my favorite inspiration
The princess stares out her window from the tower room where she’ll remain locked until true love finds her until a prince comes and slays the dragon holding her hostage she looks over the vast landscapes no life for miles around the castle deep wood calling her name promising freedom if only she’d let down her hair but she’s scared to venture out on her own for fear the dragon will punish her even more torturing her until there is nothing left of her light which is already fading fading quickly on the verge of going out forever so she remains staring out the window waiting to be rescued by a prince that will never come
I am the princess but there is no prince and childhood hopes dreams and lies are the dragon holding me hostage
As a chill creeps into the air and the snow fall is drawing near that’s when I feel most alone I don’t know if it’s that my bed grows colder or because the days become shorter but that’s when I feel most alone the holiday spirit is tangible as couples walk hand in hand their love glowing in the Christmas lights and I sit here on this park bench becoming slowly buried in snow flakes that do not melt on my frost bitten skin and I see their warmth radiating from within their hearts pounding against the bitter winds and I don’t feel mine only the throbbing black hole where my heart use to be that’s when I feel most alone
I was going to write another love poem of longing and desire of my dreams unfulfilled but it’s been done over and over and over again I’ve written of love and so have you written of fairy tale fables come true written of hopes and aspirations and bliss that will someday be sealed by true love’s kiss I’ve written of wanting someone someone to come home to someone to lie with and make passionate love with but in the end they’re just words that may never come to fruition just fantasies of a girl raised in Cinderella’s shadowed happily ever after
I see the world we live in and I’m terrified for the beauty of your soul your free spirit and love for everyone and everything will surely be demolished eventually when you lay witness to the corruption around us wicked words and wretched claws will wear you down to bone and sinew making you rebuild yourself to something socially acceptable but I promise you this in my arms and in my eyes you will always be perfection whatever path you choose to follow I will hold your hand and catch you when you fall never will I utter lines and hatred or disappointment causing you to doubt that someone in this world loves you just the way you are I’ll never tear you down only lay the bricks to help you find your way back to the angelic butterfly you are today
I don’t know why I always try to take your pain and make it my own I don’t want to see you hurting under that burden that’s crushing your soul so I take it thinking I’m strong enough left with eighty barrels of agony heartache and loss strapped to my back and yet you still feel your load pressing down upon your chest unnecessary weight but it’s my fate because I refuse to let you suffer alone maybe just knowing you aren’t pulling this boulder alone is enough to show you there’s hope in the end
Let me just close tonight by saying I love you I’ll let it linger here that by chance you may stop by and read it and know that even as I lay my head to rest tonight in the cold solitude of my bed my thoughts are of you they are always of you and I’ll dream too of days to come when we become one two heartbeats two bodies fused
My mind keeps returning to you and those lips and my teeth nip at my own yearning for a kiss and I lick and I bite just wishing yours were near because there’s nothing I want more than just a little taste of the heaven that lie within
Rayne stood outside the gates of the abandoned asylum and stared at the invitation in her hands. This was the address she was told to go to for a How-To doll making class. She’d registered months ago and thought her request had been lost. She applied on a whim and didn’t think twice until she received this tiny little invitation in mail. But why here?
She had heard rumor of the asylum being revamped for short term courses the local community college could no longer house, but this building didn’t look stable enough to hold classes, let alone stable enough to even walk through. Rayne approached the double entry doors anyway, with a bit of nervous nausea in the pit of her stomach.
The creak of the opening door echoed throughout the entire building, shaking dirt and dust from the scaffolding. Hardly any light shown through the murky windows leaving Rayne to squint until her eyes adjusted from the daylight outside.
“Hello?” Rayne called and her voice echoed back to her over and over again, but there was no other response. She strained her eyes to look at the invitation. There was a room number listed.
She looked at the room listing, covered in cobwebs, opposite the doors. It advised her to head down the right corridor. Against better judgment and a bothersome itch in the back of her brain, she proceeded in search of the room.
Her steps came back to her, bouncing with canon cacophony off the walls. She couldn’t take the empty echoes, so she called out again. “Hello?”
A laugh came out of darkness ahead of her that froze Rayne in her steps.
Not really a laugh, more of a giggle, a childish giggle the resonated with unease in Rayne’s chilled veins. She saw movement flash before her, far down the corridor where this hall must have intersected another. She called out again as she picked up pace, “hello?”
“Hello?” a child’s voice mimicked.
“Can you wait for me? I’m looking for the doll class.” Rayne called as she approached the intersection. But she didn’t receive a response this time. “Hello?” she tried again just as she rounded the corner and standing before a little girl.
She was young, no taller than Rayne’s waist, with curly blond hair flowing over her shoulders. She was staring down at a doll in her hands and standing in the middle of the hallway.
Startled for no apparent reason, Rayne struggled to speak calmly to the girl. “Hi, honey. Is your mom nearby? I’m looking for a class here and I can’t seem to find it.”
“My mom?” the little girl asked, not looking up from her doll. Her voice was a sugar dipped soprano that fell lifelessly on the barren walls of the corridor.
Rayne noticed the absence of the echo and the hair on her neck began to rise. “Yes, your mom. Is she here for the doll making class?”
Rayne heard the giggle again, this time coming from behind her. She quickly turned around, but the hallway was empty. Suddenly dolls didn’t seem that interesting.
She turned back to face the little girl to find she’d moved closer, but was still staring at her doll. Rayne decided to leave, but as she tuned to step away, the little girl spoke again. “Do you want to play with my doll?”
Rayne’s legs started to tremble. “No, honey, I think I’m just going to go home.”
“But you said you were here for dolls.” The little girl’s voice began to grow raspy as the sugar coating began to fade. “I have lots of dolls.” She raised her arm, holding the doll out to Rayne as she slowly lifted her head to look up at her. Purple circles surrounded the girl’s eyes, which were nothing more than lifeless black orbs. It was like peering into a black hole as Rayne could feel her will to fight being sucked into them. The little girl sniffed the air and a malicious grin spread on her face, revealing razor sharp teeth. In the raspy, hardly childlike voice, she said, “I can smell your fear. It smells like unwashed whore.”
Rayne took off running even though she didn’t know which direction she was headed. She glanced mindlessly at door numbers and blotted out windows looking for anything that resembled escape. That horrifying laughter was echoing through the halls, chasing her but seeming to be all around her. Then Rayne’s eyes landed on a number that looked familiar.
Room 203 was what the invitation said. If anyone was in this building they’d be in there. Rayne burst through the door and froze in place as her vision focused on pair upon pair of horrified eyes.
Three months later a demolition crew hired by the community college came in to perform an overview of the property. They needed to report back with their findings to determine which of the college’s dreams would be possible with the current foundation and structure. They wandered the halls, exploring room after room as a team. Individually, they each felt slightly at ease, though I’ve never met anyone who was comfortable in an abandoned mental health facility.
Their search continued until they stood in front of door 203. The door handle was jammed and wouldn’t turn easily. One rambunctious guy decided kicking the door in would be a good idea. Once the dust cleared and their eyes adjusted to the darkness of the windowless room, they were met with the same horror Rayne had faced. Woman, all in their 20s, were hanging from the walls of the room. Their bodies were stuffed and redressed, their faces painted all to resemble the most lifelike of dolls. If it weren’t for the stench the room emitted, they men might have assumed just that. But when they stepped closer and looked into the eyes of the murdered and mutilated women, they could see raw fear still lingering there.
"Yeah, I know." But his voice was flat, not at all what she was expecting. Not anywhere near what she was hoping for. There wasn’t even a reciprocating ‘I love you.’
She turned and began to walk away, her heels clicking on the damp pavement, rage burning under her skin.
"Where are you going?" He called after her, but she didn’t respond. He ran to her and grabbed her arm spinning her around. Passersby hesitated in their stride to see if they had to intervene. "What do you want from me?" he asked, inches from her face.
She shook his grip off her arms and spat back, “the simple fact that you have to ask that question proves you don’t deserve to know.”
Neither of them made the next move. They simply stood there staring at each other, his expression was hopeless, hers was heartache and anger.
Then the sky began to fall.
Only a few feet from where the couple stood in their stalemate, a rock fell from the sky and decimated a parked VW bug. There wasn’t any remaining signs of the pastel vehicle, only fire and brimstone.
He grabbed her hand and they began running, dodging and weaving through alleys and streets trying to avoid the falling meteors, that were slicing directly through the skyscrapers surrounding them, and the terrified crowds, which were probably just as deadly.
“Where are we going?" she screamed over the chaos.
“We need to find shelter!”
“What shelter? These things are tearing up buildings as if they were paper!”
He was going to tell her that he needed to get her somewhere safe. He was going to say that she was his only concern. He was going to scream that she was his world and he wasn’t going to lose her to this. He was going to tell her he loved her. But then a silence fell over the city.
All movement had ceased. The sky had stopped falling. The mobs had stopped panicking. All eyes were skyward.
Suddenly, a loud horn boomed and all the people were brought to their knees, hands to their ears. Then another boom, more deafening than the first. Four trumpet blasts in all.
He grabbed her hand as they both followed the eyes of those around them. There was a burning red light in the sky.
I wish I was where you are no matter where that may be I’d follow you through the gates of hell as long as we were hand in hand I didn’t plan to fall so deeply into your deep brown eyes but I took that leap and all at once you’ve consumed me buried me in your essence and I don’t want to see the light again
My heart, it beats to fill the gap between my chest and yours. There is a void between us that I’m not sure how to conquer. It’s this distance that silences your heartbeat to my wanting ears and numbs my skin to your nonexistent touch. I’m struggling to keep my head afloat as I drown in missing you and I don’t know if I’ll make it through until I can see you again.
Then the phone rang and everything I wanted to say went out the door.
"Hey, baby," you’re sultry voice comes through the speakers and my knees grow weaker at the sound.
"Hi, love," I respond and my voice quivers along to the rhythm of my erratic heartbeat.
"What’s wrong?" You ask, genuinely concerned.
"Nothing, baby," I lied. "Just missed you, is all."
"Well then I have some great news for you. I got the time off approved and plane ticket purchased. I’ll get to see your pretty face in person very soon."
And temporarily the weight from my soul had been lifted having been gifted another chance to see your face.
As I waited in the airport trepidation filled my veins. I’d been waiting for the moment since I last boarded the airplane leaving you behind. I remembered crying the entire flight home and how this distance seemed to grow even larger in the wake of leaving your embrace. Everyday was spent in wanting, in longing to be with you again. No amount of electronic contact could make up for your touch, for your kiss, for you unfiltered words, for staring into your eyes only inches from my own. Nothing could compare to you in the flesh. I’d spent everyday in agony, questioning if this was worth the pain. Love at a distance was more heartache than not. Wrought with despair, I fought with myself. My head in battle with my heart.
I’d planned to end it sometime during your visit, maybe on the last day. Then I’d send you away and start working on healing. But then you stepped off off the plane and all of that went away.
There were no words shared. You came to me, nearly at a jog. You dropped your backpack to the ground and wrapped me in your arms. In an instant, all the pain went away. Then you kissed me and bliss washed through me replacing the trepidation in my veins and ache in my heart and doubt in my brain. Everything fell into place.
Staring in your eyes, I knew there was nowhere else I’d rather be. I knew this is where my home rests, wrapped in your arms.
In that very moment, I knew that I’d wait forever, just to spend the rest of my life with you.
He watched her - stalked her day and night, which was easy when you blended in with the trash. He’d been homeless nearly a decade now and finally he found a reason to live, a reason to carry on and it was her.
He first saw her as she was walking to school. He’d been sleeping on the side of the road, buried in the brush when she walked by and it seemed as though the day illuminated in her grace. He waited there all day for her to emerge and he followed her home. That was a month ago and everyday since had been exactly the same.
He’d given up the bottle, instead he got drunk on her, on her essence. He’d stopped standing on his regular corner begging, instead he survived on her and her beauty. Often times they’d share glances and she’d wave to him as she ran off with her friends. He’d wave back weakly, but was always to terrified to approach her. Always so afraid of rejection, until that night.
Her parents had gone to bed at 10, like they always did, and she sat at her computer with the lights on. He could see her clearly from the sidewalk. Long blond hair that glistens in the dim light, lips always upturned slightly radiating with her eternal internal joy. She was happiness personified - at least in his eyes.
He held the freshly picked flowers in his hand as he walked around to the back of the house. The absence of food in his life had made his frame slight enough that he could easily shimmy through the doggy door. He crept quietly down the hallway in search of her room.
He stood outside her door thinking of what he was going to say to her. Trying to find the perfect words to profess his love. Then the door opened.
They stood face to face, his surprised, hers horrified, until she screamed. He dropped the flowers to the floor and quickly covered her mouth. If she woke her parents, they’d surely kick him back on the streets before he could tell her how he felt.
"Please don’t scream," he whispered as she struggled against his hands. She was kicking and hitting, trying anything to get him away, but he fought harder.
"Please, stop. Just listen to me." But his soft words went unheard. Terror had taken over her body. She pushed him, he stumbled back. She began to scream, he rushed toward her again. He covered her mouth as she began to struggle again. He spun her around, wanting desperately for her to just listen. He kept his hand over her mouth, her back to his chest and whispered in her ear. "I just wanted to tell you I love you."
She struggled to break free of his grasp, but there was a sickening crack that silenced the room. Her body went limp. He turned her around to face him. All life had vanished from her face. There was no expression, no glow of her radiance. Her eyes were dead, as was she.
He dropped her body to the floor and staggered back toward the door, horror and tears drowning out all common sense. He couldn’t leave her, but he couldn’t live with what he’d done. So he picked up her body and fled the house. He ran with her to the forest where he laid with her, tears and dirt staining his face, until hunger took his life as well.
There isn’t a moment in time when you aren’t on my mind constantly remembering you where my memory often fails in all other situations but I remember your face and the expressions you make and how each one takes my breath away I remember your words and they set fire under these butterflies again when I’m not remembering, though you’re still ever present in my thoughts in fantasies of moments yet to come fantasies that will become reality and surely exceed my expectations because despite what stands between us you’re the brightest light I’ve ever known consistently illuminating my night shining brighter than stars and moon combined reflecting my love in your eyes
I can’t wait to let you in to let you explore the caverns of my being to let you discover the intricacies of my existence I want you to know every detail of who I am so we can perfect the dance only you and I will know an understanding and bond unbreakable where simply by a raised eyebrow I will interpret your mood moving in sync around and within as though we were made for each other I cannot wait but I must I must wait until our hands can touch until our lips can press together then only then will I let you in
Soon, very soon we will be face to face with nothing to say because our eyes and lips will speak volumes soon, very soon we will be hand in hand sharing private glances as our fingers dance together soon, very soon we will be lips to lips melting away out defenses and surrendering to each others will soon, very soon we will be flesh to flesh as the world outside disappears and only we exists painting the bedsheets with our passion
Sitting on the back porch, smoking like I always do, but there was unease in the air that night. I opened my eyes, really opened my eyes, and noticed there was a green tint to the air.
"Do you see that?" I asked my father as he was taking the last drag off his cigarette. Even the embers were a greenish red, like blood spilled on grass.
"Yeah, very strange." So nonchalant, which was his manner.
I stepped off the porch and peered over the house to see the moon in the emerald haze. That’s when I saw it.
Something gigantic in the sky, dwarfing the moon. A monumentous orb (a planet? a meteor?) burning green, appearing to hover behind the moon. I scream at my dad, “Do you see that?”
He moves to where I’m standing and his jaw drops as we stare. “So this is it,” he breathes nearly inaudibly. I see a tear roll down his cheek, illuminated by the green fire sky.
I turned back to the orb and saw it was moving closer.
He walked inside while I continued to stare in awe, slack jaw, heart pounding, feeling the end approaching. I ran inside to find my daughter. She was curled up on the couch watching TV. The high pitched, off-key singing didn’t even bother me in that moment, I just needed to hold her, feel her close. I wrapped her in my arms and she struggled to see her show. I wept, wondering how much longer I had.
In what seemed like the blink of an eye, the show ended. She looked up at me with her chestnut eyes and spoke. “Momma, it’s bed time.”
A thousand scenarios ran through my mind. This could be the last few moments we have. I want to spend them with her, but if I changed her routine, she might start to panic.
"I have an idea," I said. Her eyes brightened. "Do you want to sleep with me tonight?" A rare treat, but nothing out of the ordinary.
He voice squeaked as she exclaimed, “Yes!” I told her to go get tucked in, I’d be there in a moment. I watched her run excitedly down the hall. Any other day, this would have sparked the motherly glow I’d grown accustomed to, but today, it broke my heart.
I glanced through the window, the emerald brightening the night. The flaming mass in the sky is much closer than it was just a few moments earlier. I thought of the tiny figure lying in my bed. I thought of all my dear friends I’d never see again.
And I thought of you.
I pulled out my phone and dialed your number hoping for one last chance to hear your voice. One last chance to hear you say you loved me, but the call went to voicemail. I left a brief message. I wonder if you ever heard it.
I began my slow retreat down the hall when I saw my mother sitting on the couch.
"This looks bad," I said.
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “It is.”
She only looked at me, fighting tears back. We stayed in silence, eyes locked for quite some time before she spoke again. “She’s sleeping with you tonight?” I nodded. “That’s good. That’s how it should be.”
"What is going on?" I questioned, growing slightly irritated.
She sighed. “It’s a meteor. Something bigger, actually, much bigger. They hadn’t classified it yet. It showed up on radar yesterday afternoon coming toward us… straight toward us at unbelievable speeds. Earth would be a golf ball if it was resting on its surface. We never stood a chance.”
“You knew about this and didn’t say anything to me?”
"It wouldn’t have changed anything. I was hoping it would happen while you were sleeping so you wouldn’t have to be afraid."
I collapsed to the ground, hands clutching my chest. “So this is the end?”
My face was covered in tears, heaving sobs pounding against my heart. “Is… is it going to hurt?”
"It will happen too quickly for us to feel anything."
My mind raced, panicked and nearly broke. I’d always lived as a decent person, doing everything I could for those around me, but staring death in the face, I was suddenly terrified for my soul. Where was I going? What would my soul’s eye rest upon once my body was demolished?
I pulled myself up from the floor. I wasn’t going to spend the remainder of my life crying helplessly on the floor.
I crawled into bed with my daughter, listening to her peacefully unaware breathing and waited for death.
You could see it in the upturned corners of his lips when he spoke my name and in the flush brushing my cheeks at the sound I had moved on so you reached out spoke to me like you haven’t in ages and you could feel the wall the wall I reinforced with steel bars and platinum frame and you no longer held the key we spoke through a missing brick I’d removed to let you in just enough so you’d have someone someone who knew you through and through without judgement or cast stone but it wasn’t enough you couldn’t handle the eclipsed view into something you once saw fully bare entirely exposed so you disappeared into the night again but I left the brick on the ground where it will sink into the dirt covered with moss in case you need comfort again
She has moonlight eyes that only glisten under the stars or in the gleam of his smile the daylight steals her beauty away lost in the maze of others demands but once she retreats into the haven of bed sheets the solace of his gaze she is radiant effervescent with love and the sparkling beam returns to her eyes
I use to watch you every day waiting but for what I didn’t know your silence hurt me but your words cut deeper making me feel useless in a world I once ruled queen of your heart but I quickly became the villain my comfort was daggers to your meager frame
then eventually I stopped watching looked the other way and the guilt I felt was worse than any other pain
Now I sit on a throne in an empty palace alone with no one to call my own
Do you ever see shadowed figures lurking in your peripheral vision?
That’s where they lie the demons that walk among us invisible to the naked eye but if you wait and watch eyes focused ahead you’ll see them creep by meander by idle in your existence idols within others they bow down and worship for they see the horror that we are saved from they lurk over your shoulder whispering unheard words in your ear but your subconscious hears and they arise in your dreams and turn glee into nightmares and you waken wondering what had shaken such things but as you stir in your sleep they are watching pleased just another tortured soul in their game
We are the pawns they are the hands that move us
Beware the shadows that lurk in the corners of your eyes they are waiting, watching for your guard to be down
Blank parchment lay before you take this blade and bleed
Will you simply slit your wrist and smear linear emotions vibrant red rainbows of despair?
Or will you cut out your heart letting random droplets fall raw heartache in Morse code?
Or will you pull your hair back slice the right side of your mind let fables and fantasy flow forth illuminated hues unseen until now cascading in beautiful pirouettes covering every inch of white with life
Whatever you do just bleed release create and emancipate your body of pain in the end it’s all beautiful because it is pure unadulterated you
Brain detached heart poorly patched soul crosshatched with scars unmatched
the pain unceasing anxiety increasing no one releasing
their agonizing grips on my heart and hips
malicious in their ‘love’
I just want the pain to stop heart pounding in my chest my throat clenched against tears and I know not their origin
That’s a lie
I know exactly the cause and it’s you it’s always you -love- wretched whore desperately clinging to anyone who’ll put out never knowing to pullout before I get hurt hurt again hurt always hurt that’s eternal and unrelenting
Happiness has fleeted once again trapped in this internal darkness I’m trying to find my way back to light the light I’d found in your eyes but you’re letting that spark fade don’t let the breeze blowing between us douse that flame lest I’ll be held in this eternal night
Fragile china doll how many times you have fallen shattered upon rock bottom somehow the pieces of your tiny existence were put back together reassembled to form something like your former self onlookers walk by admiring your beauty ignorant to the cracks that lie beneath your lying eyes they can’t see but you feel them the glue and staples weakening always on the verge of shattering every single day
Tired my eyes are heavy though nowhere near the weight of my onyx heart I can no longer feel its beating rather a sporadic bass drop that rattles my bones weakening my legs I collapse unable to withstand the agony anymore
People give you strange looks when you faint every time your heart thuds thankfully it doesn’t happen too often anymore
All at once I felt as though the skin had been ripped from me every emotional nerve ending exposed blazing agony exploding throughout my whole body every word another lick of the flame and I couldn’t stop the tears couldn’t stop the pain shouts of comfort and love only pushed me further into the fire pit and I couldn’t breathe as the roaring rouge sucked the oxygen from the air I was bare and vulnerable unsure of myself
I awoke this morning from a fleeting blink of slumber to find the wounds still aching in the dawns accompanying thunder a cacophony of thoughts sending me into a daze and the haze has yet to clear and I fear I’m trapped in this hypnotic delusion of uncertainty when just yesterday stability was the steel rod in my back it’s collapsed and I’m left to weld a new breastplate one that can withstand my own insecurities my greatest downfall myself
I prefer the writings that emerge from my self induced insomnia but I miss dreaming especially the dreams of you perhaps daydreams will do to carry me through until I can find comfort in my linen haven again
And upon sunrise you close your eyes in search of fabled revival I watch and stare for just a moment wondering where you go inside your dreams do they hold better fortune than the viper bites of day to day life do you wander through the pages of fairy tales slaying dragons saving princesses lost in your own private wonderland or do you traverse post apocalyptic earth a lone survivor desperately trying to make it on your own against the undead horde awaiting or do we share our dreams, my love where even in your unconscious state I’m still on your mind our tender kisses and fiery passion no matter what lies behind the peaceful eyes and face I’ve come to adore I wish I could share in those dreamscapes because having to pull myself from your sleeping form becomes more and more difficult everyday