There are somethings you never forget
it always seems to be the bad memories
that remained tattooed on your skull
It’s all the little things, now that I look back, that make me sick to my stomach. The things I over looked, the lies I believed - or settled with, at least - that haunt my mind on days like today.
There are numbers, so many numbers, of which I don’t know the values and totals. There are questions for which I’ll never know the answers.
I can tell myself every day that I have no regrets, but looking into my future and feeling the weight of my past, the holes of opportunities missed, the pressure of the burdens on my shoulders, I know that is a lie.
I wish I had never journeyed down that rabbit hole, following the guidance of someone who only wanted to hurt me, use me, break me. The trickster, who wore masks to hide his demons, blew lies of smoke in my face, leaving me feeling guilty. Even when he’d drink himself to honesty, I’d become so broken, so dependent, that I couldn’t walk away. Even now, feeling stronger, braver, older, I am damaged and scarred. Will these wounds ever heal?
I only wish I had happy memories to call upon, but even the best memories are stained with bloodshed. I’m left with only fantasies of things that will never be.
I escaped Wonderland and the Jabberwocky, but I’ll always be haunted by the nightmares.
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