Wandering Chaotic Irrelevancies

It’s that heart stutter as butterflies flutter that reminds you that you’re alive. It’s the tangible...

Sat, 18 May 2013 22:30:43 -0600

It’s that heart stutter as butterflies flutter that reminds you that you’re alive. It’s the tangible tension and wantings unmentioned that sparks a special kind of desire. When you want to breach the barrier and reach across the table to grab hold and never let go. It’s the memories of messages coursing through your veins, words whispered that leave stains on your soul. It’s rereading, replaying, remembering and dreaming while wondering and wishing that you’re not diving alone. It’s the breathlessness upon a subtle graze and suddenly your skin is on fire yearning and burning for more.

It’s a connection, a knowing - a risk worth taking when you throw caution to the wind and jump hoping that someone will be jumping in with you.

With a glimmer of hope, rather than feeling fulfilled, I feel depleted. I feel that final strand...

Tue, 14 May 2013 09:20:00 -0600

With a glimmer of hope, rather than feeling fulfilled, I feel depleted. I feel that final strand pulled taught, ready to unravel at any moment. Hope is in the air, yet my heart is a black hole of despair - hopeless, used, unloved. It was bite-size bliss wrapped in a cellophane kiss, my mind screaming questions unasked as I found myself lost in your smile. It’s so easy to confuse passion with attraction, laughter with desire, a smile with security. So let me drown today in the mistakes I’ve made and dream of day I’ll feel I’m home.

There are days, moments in time, when I am robbed of every gasping breath because of how potently I...

Fri, 10 May 2013 13:39:00 -0600

There are days, moments in time, when I am robbed of every gasping breath because of how potently I miss you. These are the days when I lock my phone away so I cannot suck you into my madness again because it isn’t fair to you. It isn’t right to play with your heart as though it were a toy, because as much as I feel I need you in this moment, I cannot promise you the moment after that. I’d rather suffer through this alone than know I caused you anymore pain. You’ve suffered enough at my hands already.

I can’t stop the wheels from turning, my heart from yearning, my veins from burning because at...

Tue, 07 May 2013 20:26:57 -0600

I can’t stop the wheels from turning, my heart from yearning, my veins from burning because at every pause in the commotion, I’m reminded of your face. There’s a sudden silence and I hear your voice whispering from memories I’m trying to bury, but even six feet under you’re gripping ravenously at my heart. What I wouldn’t give to forget the day we met… my heart still skipping from the stutter you caused when your presence shook my foundation askew. I fear I’ll always long for you until I crash our ship into pieces on the shore.

cordeliagablewrites: uutpoetry: Feeling this. This is why I am...

Tue, 07 May 2013 09:33:24 -0600

cordeliagablewrites:

uutpoetry:

Feeling this.

This is why I am skeptical of narratives of decline, citing the proclivities of the young as the (sole) evidence.

alexsparks:

My submission for the Write Bloody Publishing Contest. Please like, share, reblog, comment, pirate, and exploit. I need as much help as I can get!

“Likes” on Youtube are the best way to cast a vote. So if you really dig it and want to help me out, then please give it a like!

HOLY SHET.

I have this burning desire nuzzled against my heart, screaming desperately to crawl within your...

Mon, 06 May 2013 16:22:21 -0600

I have this burning desire nuzzled against my heart, screaming desperately to crawl within your arms. Just to lie there for a staggered breath or two and pretend and dream that I belong somewhere. I feel like a dozen detached flower petals floating helplessly downstream with the frigid memory that the last petal plucked was a tear stained loves-me-not. I’m losing my grip on the water’s surface as pieces of myself drift further and further away. Hold me tightly so I don’t fall apart; keep me together with lies and empty promises that will fade with a meaningless kiss goodbye.

I feel like a broken record with my hopes and dreams and wants and wishes which all revolve around...

Sun, 05 May 2013 21:48:57 -0600

I feel like a broken record with my hopes and dreams and wants and wishes which all revolve around you. I feel I’ve said again and again that I long for you, yearn for you, pine for your touch. Your lips flutter deliciously across my mind and I die inside knowing I’ll never taste the nectar of your kiss. Remissed, I dream, scheming of things to say or do to win your heart. Instead I fall apart slowly, seams unraveling every day and I’m wasting away waiting for the day when you’ll finally see me.

All I think of every thought is falling into you crashing into you I need to feel your arms around...

Fri, 03 May 2013 18:40:35 -0600

All I think of
every thought
is falling into you
crashing into you
I need to feel your arms around me
become enveloped within the folds of your warmth
inhale you scent
your essence
until I melt into you
become one with you
gasping breathlessly
together

And yet I still melt in your presence and dissolve in your absence. My mind is consumed by you,...

Thu, 02 May 2013 13:59:15 -0600

And yet I still melt in your presence and dissolve in your absence. My mind is consumed by you, dreams filled with you as I chase, ever chasing you through dreamscapes. It’s unnerving to be so thoroughly permeated by your essence. I catch whiffs of your scent though you’ve yet to press your skin against me. I feel reality slipping away as I slide deeper down the rabbit hole. Consciousness fading, love evading my heart and I’m torn apart by desire and common sense.

Darling, I am enraptured by you, desperate to be ravaged by you, but to simply hand my heart over would be enough to find equilibrium again.

I’m almost done with this semester. I have my biology exam next Friday. TEAS and speech exams...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 12:21:48 -0600

I’m almost done with this semester. I have my biology exam next Friday. TEAS and speech exams the following Thursday. A math project and final due whenever I get to it in the next few weeks and about three more essays for English. Then I have two to three weeks off. I want to put the finishing touches on The Katy Effect and send it off to agents. I also want to read John Dies at the End again. Then summer semester. I’ve been thinking a lot about Amid Sonnets, Into Madness. I really want to finish it. Too much…

When I was in therapy, I realized that my ‘problems’ go much farther back than an...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 08:13:46 -0600

When I was in therapy, I realized that my ‘problems’ go much farther back than an abusive ex husband who murdered me. The speculative man sitting across from me called it “The Missing Chapter,” something every adopted child deals with. Despite my amazing parents, I have deep-seeded abandonment issues because “daddy never loved me.” How fucked up is that? Someone I’ve never met, never think about, never plan on finding has left me with a giant hole in my being. Then he brought up the bullying, something else I’d shoved in the recesses of my closet. I went home and cried for the rest of the day.

“Normal people want love this much,” he said, holding up a pie chart he’d sketched while I struggled against his accusations. “But you want it more and that’s what we need to fix.”

It’s not that I want or need love right now as much as I’m certain I will never find someone to spend my life with. It’s the fear of a dark and lonely future that keeps me up at night.

I wanted you, yes. I thought of you constantly. I fantasized about what it would be like to be yours. But it wasn’t you I wanted, it was just needing someone and you would have played the part so well.

Gasp, you’ve stolen my breath without a second thought and I’m left choking in the...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:56:15 -0600

Gasp, you’ve stolen my breath without a second thought and I’m left choking in the absence of your air.

Purumph, but you’ve taken my heart or did I hand it over due to imagined attraction that was never there.

Tears, because I’ve fooled myself again, let my mind wander again, allowed myself to dream once again.

Six years of my life. It’s amazing how much of it I had blocked out. Today, I find myself...

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 18:11:02 -0600

Six years of my life. It’s amazing how much of it I had blocked out. Today, I find myself feeling the pain of all six years.

Just friends, as though the alternative were absurd. I’m fine with this, I am, but I ache in so many other ways. “You really don’t have much self-esteem.” Well how could I? For six years I was told I was ugly, fat, worthless, and weak. I was cheated on incessantly. When I left it felt as though I was crawling out of my own grave. But here I am, five years later and he’s moved on, remarried, started a new family as though I never mattered, as though I never existed after six years. I don’t want him back, but to have given up everything, sacrificed everything only to find out I never mattered, I was never good enough, I was never enough.

He gets another chance while I shed clandestine tears in church asking myself over and over, “What’s wrong with me?” Is it my weight? Am I ugly? Why am I always just a friend? Why is it that my personality is able to win people over, but never anything beyond that? Why is it that the only people capable of loving me live states and oceans away? I just feel like nothing. I feel like I missed the boat. I feel like I’ll never be wrapped in loving arms that aren’t related to me by blood. And I’m furious with myself that that is not enough. But what do I do when she goes off to college and I’m truly alone? Six years wasted and five years later, I still feel like the ugly, fat, worthless, weak little girl he held under his thumb. Maybe he was right. Maybe I’m not enough.

I wish I could forget you and walk away unscathed. I wish I could turn my thoughts from you, but...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 20:13:40 -0600

I wish I could forget you and walk away unscathed. I wish I could turn my thoughts from you, but you are all consuming. You already hold my heart, though I doubt I ever cross your mind. I would love to tell you how I feel, but I don’t want to suffer through the pain of your rejection. After all, how could you like me, let alone love me, when I don’t measure up, when I’m not worth your time, when my absence does not grip tightly at your throat. I am choked, struggling to breathe, because every day without you, I feel the current pulling me deeper, further and further from the surface.

If only I could keep you safe, grasp you tightly in my arms, holding the demons at bay.

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 16:17:49 -0600

If only I could keep you safe, grasp you tightly in my arms, holding the demons at bay.

For two days I’ve been seconds away from calling you to confess. I’ve all but given up...

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 17:05:58 -0600

For two days I’ve been seconds away from calling you to confess. I’ve all but given up on you speaking first, but I cannot live in silence, bottling the entirety of my being inside. You must feel the wanting rolling off me in waves or smell the desire on my staggered, nervous breaths. Perhaps you hear your name within my throbbing heartbeat.

Love, I fear I will not last the week.

In searching for myself I’ve lost who I once was. Now I’ve lost myself in your gaze,...

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 17:44:36 -0600

In searching for myself I’ve lost who I once was. Now I’ve lost myself in your gaze, dreaming of becoming lost within your arms.

I have the moment scripted, though it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. I’ve been...

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:24:00 -0600

I have the moment scripted, though it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. I’ve been told I write dialogue flawlessly, but that’s only because I run though fantasies over and over in my mind, like watching a movie until you memorize the lines. I want the fantasy to be perfect, believable, flawless. So I picture that moment.

We’ve hugged goodbye and I turn toward the door. I pause, caught between having just enough courage to go through with it but just enough doubt to hesitate. I turn to you and speak, or stutter would be more accurate, breathing my heartbeats in gasping breaths.

“I, ugh… fuck.”

Because I know there would be nerves, my hands would be shaking and I’d struggle, doubt catching the words in my throat. But to write what I’d say next, what I’d manage to pour out into the open air between us, that would be the curse. That would be like typing a spell to seal our fate as nothing more than the dreams of the lonely girl. I want to give us a chance before I write us off as a fairy tale of never-ever-after.

The only place I want to be is wrapped up in your arms. Instead I lie here dreaming of all the...

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 21:11:43 -0600

The only place I want to be is wrapped up in your arms. Instead I lie here dreaming of all the things I wish to say, all the scenes I’d like to play out with you. Oh, how my heart swoons, gasping for the breaths you’ve stolen. Sweet thief of my heart, take what you will. Steal a kiss from these lips, so wanting and ready. Lay claim upon me so I can at last stop dreaming and start living instead.

I imagine there must be something wrong with me. Something so vile that to touch me would cause the...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 18:45:14 -0600

I imagine there must be something wrong with me. Something so vile that to touch me would cause the skin to dissolve or limbs to fall off. Something that cannot be ignored. If only someone would let me in on this secret or perhaps I’m simply invisible.

My heart aches as my body shakes in painful tremors that have shattered my defenses. The spring air feels bitterly cold as I lay in bed alone wondering where I’ve gone wrong. I only want a hand to hold or a shoulder to rest my weary head upon. To be wanted, to be seen, but I’ve gleaned that these are things that are not meant for me.