When I joined Tumblr… No, let’s go back a smidge further.
(Now we set the scene.)
It was January 2011. The skies were dark and gloomy. (Sounds dramatic, right?) I thought I was happy. I had a good job, good family, adequate, though completely annoying, boyfriend, but something was off. I felt an overwhelming sadness. I’d fly off the handle at the slightest thing and, more often than not, I’d cry myself to sleep. It wasn’t until I had a complete breakdown that I realized I probably needed help. I told my boyfriend that I thought I hadn’t completely dealt with my past. I told him I wanted to take a break while I went to therapy and put my life back together. He was less than happy and started dating someone else right away (I am more than okay with this).
Right around the time I started going to therapy, my hero, idol, inspiration Kevin Smith had mentioned this thing called Tumblr. I decided to check it out, maybe share my writing, maybe blog, I wasn’t quite sure, but I joined. I didn’t realize what a community tumblr was. I quickly made friends with Nicole, Hayden (who is trying to maintain his anonymity), Dennis, Justin and Rhys who made me laugh and supported me as I went through therapy. Slowly I began writing poetry, something I hadn’t done since high school. I was shocked to find that people actually liked it and could relate to what I had to say when most of it came from a dark place.
Nicole pulled me into Tiny Chat where I met people that would irreparably change the fabric of my being. Joy, who would become a friend and ally words cannot describe. Luke, the man with a sense of humor and heart bigger than his home country. Neil, my dear emo friend. Bonnie, whose spirit and talent barely fit into her tiny frame. Jen, my drunken giggling companion. Solange, the personification of perfection and one of my dearest friends. Katy and Lillian, who we’ll talk about in a bit. And Brandan, who inspired me in countless ways. There were others, whom I cherish deeply, so don’t think I forgot you.
I learned to laugh, I learned to smile, but I still felt dead inside. Therapy wasn’t helping, he wasn’t giving me the medication I felt I so desperately needed. I was pondering more and more how to escape the darkness inside of me and I started thinking bad thoughts. Until I met someone who would give me a reason to live (note how I phrased this, and remember it). Our torrid affair was cut short when something outside of our control got in the way, tearing us apart. I felt dead inside. I stopped going to therapy because all it did was make me feel worse. I was a shell of whomever I was before him. There were people I met who pulled me from this darkness and I am ETERNALLY grateful. Whether or not they realize how much they helped me, they may never know. But I will never forget.
I started to rebuild, remembering what had pulled me under and realizing that while what I felt for the boy I’d lost was real, it was dangerous. You can’t find happiness in someone else, you have to make it on your own. And that’s what I decided to do. I met more awesome people. Some that are like brothers I’ll always cherish, a sister that I plan to live near in the future, a lover that holds my heart (and maybe my body), and a logical asshole I’ll never forget.
With the start of 2012, I vowed to keep my heart locked up. I was going to get through the year without heartbreak, focus on myself, my daughter and the things that mattered. But with the denial of a promotion I should have gotten, my foundation was a little bit shaky. On a spur of the moment decision, I decided to fly to Texas to meet Katy. It was like uniting with an old friend. Everything felt so natural. I really hope to meet her again… and again and then again.
In the wake of the hopelessness brought on by seeing some dumb little twit take my promotion, I decided I needed to make a bigger change in my life. I decided, finally, to go back to school. To my surprise, it was not an impossible dream and I’m starting next month, hoping to end the four years of college with a degree in Nursing. I was happy. Completely happy. I loved my life and everyone in it.
Lillian came to visit me and I realized that I need her in my life always. While some friendships have faded away because of stubborn stands and misunderstanding, I will always hold her dear and keep her close to my heart, and my house as we plan to live in the same city some day.
Somewhere along the line, despite locking my heart in a steel box, I managed to fall head over heels in like with a particular cunt many of you know well. He makes me laugh and smile and blush and I have every intent on keeping him forever. The difference is he found me when I was happy, I didn’t find happiness in him alone. I am proud to call him my boyfriend and cannot wait to tell him in person in September.
The person I was when I created tumblr a mere year and 3 months ago is but a distant memory. I couldn’t tell you much about her other than that she was broken, lost and confused. Now, I have goals, I have dreams, I have amazing people who changed my life. Tumblr has shaped whom I’ve become and I wouldn’t have it any other way.